I just don’t fit in the box …

Why is it that you have to be dangerously overweight or underweight to be considered to have an eating disorder? Is there a “niche” for “rather more than healthily overweight but less than morbidly obese, yet utterly desperate and ready to use the carving knife to chop bits off” category? That would be handy, especially if it came in my age group (30-ish ..), and allowed for me to cry heartily over the mirror and get very drunk without anyone bothering me.

I think i’ll stay in and plead with someone to take the kids tomorrow, because I just can’t face life.

Inject a little fun into your life …

The daily injections have been ongoing for a week now. Childsplay. Except the first one – every instinct in your body is screaming at you to NOT plunge a needle into your skin, but logically, you know its necessary. After you’ve jumped that hurdle, its simple. The needle is very fine. Can I recommend that if your using the Pen strait from the fridge that you take the lid off and rub the liquids chamber between your hands for about 30 seconds, cold injections are uncomfortable!

Also – the mood swings and hot flashes stop with the injections! Hallelujah! The lovely up-the-yoohoo scans pick up pace though. I had a lovely one last week whilst I was menstruating. Absolutely lovely … Yesterdays scan was for follicle counting (follicles are where the eggs are kept). Righty was camera shy, possibly hiding behind my bowel which was a touch um …. Full …. With it being 8 am! Laxatives on eve of next scan (which will be on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. My ovaries are famous!) just to be sure! Lefty was ready for its close up, and had about 6 follicles, all measuring between 8 and 10mm. We need then to be about 18mm for harvest, which our nurse estimated to be Friday or Monday. Within ten days! Very exited now!

The Boy asked me if I have “the diabetes” like daddy. So I’ve given the kids an age appropriate, 3 sentence explanation. The Girl took it in her stride and asked a couple if sensible questions. The Boy thought for a moment, then said “mummy, are we having a baby in THIS house?”

Not on your nelly son!

Night fever

Weeeeeeell helloooooooooooooooo night sweats! And hot flashes, glad to see you too … For the past few days, since my last post declared I had “escaped night sweats”, guess what? Yup, tempted fate, they arrived with a vengeance. I have a fan by my bed, and have been seen to fling open windows and dash out doors – even in work – whilst ripping off cardigans, hoody’s and jackets (I’m in Scotland, we don’t get summer here) whilst declaring it to be “effin’ roastin’ in here”. Even in work. My mum mentioned tonight that 2 kiwi’s a day supposedly help. Could have done with that information a few days ago, bit late now haha! Next phase starts in 3 hours. I am posting at just before 5am as another blimmin hot flash has visited me. Giving up and going for a bath!

Boldly going where not many have gone before…

I was privileged enough to see my ovaries on Monday. Both present and correct, with a good amount of follicles, since you’re wondering. I shan’t go into details about the long wand shaped, cold-lubed up camera that went up my yoohoo to enable me to see them, or the strange pressure on my bowel as the left ovary was located – apparently this is normal – or that I kept my shoes and socks on despite being completely otherwise naked from the waist down. Even whilst a nurse is giving a guided tour of my reproductive system, I refuse to let my standards slip. (Actually, I just have really cheesy feet and didn’t want her to think the stink was from somewhere else more, ah, delicate…)

Monday was also the hormone downgrading jag day. Which was a piece of cake after the camera. Actually, 6 tattoos and 18 piercings, a jag is never going to bother me anyway! Its been an eventful week. I have been a source of amusement to my friends, thanks to my amazing ability to cry about anything. No, really. Even pasta. I am now, apparently, in mini-menopause, and have been subjecting my nearest and dearest to a delightful range of turn-on-a-hapeny emotions. Laughing my head off to white hot rage in under ten seconds, zero to hysterical in less than 3! It has been a dazzling display of tears, tantrums, snotters and utter confusion. And lets not forget the headaches! Thankfully, I have avoided the night sweats so far. Although now that I’ve said that, i’ll not get off so lightly!

The next stage is more scans and daily injections once my period arrives, and the harvest in a week or 2. After waiting this long, its all happening quickly now! And its all with good reason, and I’ll never regret a second 🙂

Gym’ll fix it!

Blogging from the treadmill on a phone is not as easy as you’d think! This week started my “oh shit I’m thirty next year and still treat my body like a teenager” overhaul, version 3562! This is my second trip to the gym this week, go me! And apart from eating 2 slices of The Husbands pizza, one slice of The Sons and half a (share size…)  bag of lime Doritos last night, I’m doing well on the diet! The Daughters pizza was safe, mainly because she knows better than to leave her pizza unattended when I’m in the room!

So enough of the exclamation points and shock at my own resolve, moving swiftly on to the static bike. I’d have blogged from the cross trainer if it wasn’t for my hideous lack of coordination on the thing … Think spider on roller skates, a la Hary Potter and you’re about there.
I’ve always cherished my children, and have never consciously taken them for granted. I admit, like most parents there are days when I hold up Bed Time like some kind of demi-god, and think that Out To Play should be prescribed to all parents on the NHS, and maybe I’m a little quicker with my temper than ideal, my patience shorter than I’d like and occasionally I sound like I’ve swallowed my mother, tripping out phrases (such as “because I said so) that I swore up and down I’d never use. But I’m human. Right?

Or maybe, without noticing because the change has been so gradual, I do (just a teeny bit) take them for granted. My blossoming friendship with Mrs Recipient has stirred something inside me. Sorry boys, put away your lesbian fantasies, I’m talking about all-out singing and dancing Appreciation For What I Have. I have 2 healthy, happy, intelligent, precocious, inquisitive, strong willed, funny as hell BEAUTIFUL children. And I didn’t even have to work hard to get them. No money was spent in the pursuit of the blue line on a test. I fell pregnant on my first cycle. How damn lucky am i?! I see Mrs Recipient nervous as hell on car journeys to that clinic, so desperate in her need for a swelling belly, an infant suckling at her breast, and think “there but for the grace of god”. It was so easy for me. Too easy, perhaps.

My decision to live better is coming from appreciation for my kids, and wanting to be with them as long as I can be, and as well as I can be. I’ll be taking lots of deep breaths, because I WILL exercise more patience, I WILL appreciate their strong wills and personalities when we butt heads, and I WILL cherish every moment with them, even if it leaves me exhausted and collapsed in a heap in the corner.

On the way to the very first appointment, Mrs Recipient told me I don’t know what this means to her. My reply?

I do, because I know how much my kids mean to me.

I’m running out of sheep :-\

Thanks to an ill advised afternoon nap I’m having trouble sleeping! So I decided to empty my mind by writting.

I was wondering earlier today whether or not to tell The Kids about my donation yet, and debating with myself whether they need to know. The Son (age 5) wouldn’t really understand, and The Daughter (age 8)  would ask too many questions that I feel she isn’t mature enough yet to have answered. I don’t think they’ll have a problem with the injections I’ll have to give myself, in fact they’ll most likely not notice – The Husband is diabetic, so injections in this house are common place. So when IS the right time to tell them they might have a genetic half sibling, I wonder?

In addition, Mr and Mrs Recipient aren’t part of our family life and The Kids haven’t met them. Although that may change in the future.

So anyway, the next appointment is on the 29th with the consultant, and I’ll also have my screening done that day. Thinking I maybe should have asked what I’m being screened for, I assume genetic conditions and STD’s. I’m sure I’ll find out on the day.

I sometimes think I’m a little too laid back!

Planning permission from the council

Yesterday was the first appointment for Mrs Recipient and I to attend together. Mrs R is a work colleague of The Husband, and our first face-to-face meeting was when I got in her car 2 weeks ago for the AMH test.
2 weeks later, we’re setting out for a counselling session …

For all the chatter and laughter in the car on the journey to the clinic, there is an undercurrent of nerves. The councillor we are on our way to see could put the kibosh on the entire endeavour. In my head for the past week I have been practising key phrases and sound bites to sound as intelligent, dedicated and assured as I feel. However some nasty little part of my brain is going “ner ner, she won’t believe you”. I hate that bit of my brain.

After some stellar reverse parking from Mrs R, despite (or maybe because of) the enormous private-plate Jag next to us, we present ourselves at reception and sit down to wait.

Mrs R had mentioned that the councillor sounded airy fairy on the phone, so I’m expecting a fully-paid-up member of the beads and bangles incense waving hippy brigade. I’m mostly right. Imagine how a middle aged hippy would dress in an office situation, except with Tiffany jewelery, and you have the general idea! She comes to call us, and I follow on behind Mrs R poking her in the back while we both try to swallow our giggles, that can only partly be attributed to nerves. We get a hell of a lot more serious, however, once we’re sat in that room realising this woman writes a report to the ethics committee and the consultant to say whether or not we can cope with this.

I’ll not go into details – there are some things that aren’t mine to share – but we convince the woman that we are sane enough to go ahead. My private rehearsal obviously worked to my advantage, although a few surprise corkers tumbled out of my mouth. With regards to a claim over a potential child, I likened it to claiming the artwork yours, when you only handed over the paper and pencil to the artist. And when asked about any unused embryos kept in the deep freeze (as legally, as contributor of the ovum, they in part belong to me until implanted in Mrs R), I was adamant that Mr and Mrs R decide their fate, as I feel as much attachment to them as I do to my fingernail when I cut it, or when my menstrual cycle flushes eggs away. I’m not standing to loose or gain anything, I do think she’s making a rather larger fuss than necessary!

The car journey home is much less tense, with us screaming with laughter over what The Husbands would have made of the councillor, amongst other things. I wonder if by the end of this, we’ll be firm friends?

The chicken or the egg …

I’ve made some decisions recently. Some huge, some small, some inconsequential, some with a bit more gravitas! One was to start a blog, documenting the journey I’m about to embark on. A second to grow a pair and do something brave. Another was to embark upon a journey into assisted conception clinics and having cameras popped up my nether regions.

See what I mean about the decisions?!

A few weeks ago, I was told of a woman, a family friend, who is unable to conceive and required an egg donor. Her last volunteer was too old and her AMH (Anti Mullerian Hormone) levels were too low to be of any use. My (seldom used, slightly rusty) logical side piped up “you’re young, never had bother getting up the pole – he only has to wave it in your general direction and the morning sickness kicks in – and your family is complete …” And the next thing I knew, I was putting myself forward!

Queue a million emails and text messages from Mrs Recipient to check I’m sure. Upon assuring her that yes, I am, we coordinate our diaries to go to the (gorgeous, hotel-like private) fertility clinic to have a small vial of  blood drawn for an AMH test of my own. In that tiny tube were pinned Mr and Mrs Recipient’s hopes of a family. I crossed my fingers and hoped that my assumptions and outward confidence about my own über-fertility were not misguided.

A nerve wracking week passed. I had my phone glued to my person at all times, and for once The Husband didn’t mind, instead looked on with a mixture of sympathy and expectation every time an email came in. Mrs Recipient sent me an email with the title “AMH Results”, and my heart jumped up into my mouth to get a front row seat to read it! It was a copy and paste of all the emails she’d sent to the clinic over the course of that day, which culminated in one line … “no results yet, I’ll let you know a soon as they tell me” … False alarm, stand down, panic over. The email came the next day though, my AMH level is 11, and I’m considered suitable to become an egg donor. And yes I did burst into Happy Tears!